3 Tips for Thinking Like a Counselor

Here are three helpful principles when it comes to thinking like a counselor, although this is just the very tip of the iceberg. Use wisely.

1. Consider Needs

We all have needs.

When counseling someone or simply trying to understand why the people around you act the way they do, consider what needs they are trying to meet—or what needs are going unmet. A need for love? Belonging? Acceptance? Identity? Security? Meaning? Significance? Some of these overlap, but they may help to explain a person’s choices and behavior.

Part of counseling as well as problem-solving is exploring and identifying what a person needs and how someone is coping or meeting that need in an unhealthy way. Jeremiah 2:13 calls this “digging our own cistern.” What cisterns are you digging?

2. Consider Associations

Another reason someone may be stuck in a cycle of behavior is because of associations, which may be positive or negative. Associations can make us feel good and nostalgic or make us feel anxious and scared.

Even after childhood, we build associations through habits and experiences. Is there a specific relationship or experience you remember when eating pizza? Is there a memory that comes to mind when you detect a certain smell?

Associations can be powerful. Tragically, this is one reason many people struggle with God, church, or the Bible. Maybe their trust was betrayed by a pastor. Maybe they were raised in a legalistic church or a family that twisted Scripture to further their own agenda. Whatever the case, these experiences are obstacles they must overcome. They are faced with the task of building new associations and will need support and understanding (not judgment) from others and the church in the process.

While associations are important, the broader point is looking at someone’s overall story. What has been the impact of this person’s past relationships and experiences? What in this person’s life may help to guide our understanding of where and who this person is now? Of course, that may be beyond what your next-door neighbor is willing to share, but the answer may still be deeper than mere needs or associations. We have to look at the whole person. We’re not just spiritual, just emotional, or just physical beings. Good counseling is holistic counseling.

3. Consider Lies

Finally, what lies are people believing? Is it a lie about love or identity? Is it a lie about the place to find significance or how to be successful? Where does this person need to replace lies with truth? Where is this person misguided when it comes to God, others, the world, or self? What accusation of the devil is this person believing? In many cases, the lies we’re believing about what we need and who we’re depending on we don’t even recognize.

In his book Safe and Sound, counselor David Powlison explains how Satan uses lies to disciple us in his image, when we are to pursue and be conformed to the image of Christ. Whatever we believe comes through in our thoughts, actions, attitude, desires, and ambitions. The task here is to identify the lies at work, label them for what they are, and replace them with the light of truth.

Each of these three points may help to explain the why behind a person’s hesitance, unhealthy coping, lack of discipline, or poor choices, but there is hope. God has given us both the knowledge and tools to live a life that is pleasing to Him (2 Pet. 1:3). He is sufficient. He doesn’t promise an easy life, but He does promise to be there every step of the way.